About Grief

As much as we don’t like to think about death and dying, the reality is that death is a part of life. After almost a year of this pandemic, with the death toll still mounting, we have more grievers of all ages, from cancer to COVID, from heart attacks to suicide. Behind each statistic is an individual human being whose absence on earth echoes somewhere in the universe. Even the person who wasn’t tightly moored to a family at the time of death was, in fact, somebody’s son, daughter, brother, sister, neighbor, friend.

When grief hits home, when it’s your parent who died, or your friend’s parent, it’s hard to figure out how to get through the hours, days, weeks, months, and yes – years of grief, longing and missing your special person. Each of us has to find our own way, our own style and pace of grieving; there is no one right recipe or formula, no matter how reassuring it might be to look for one or how many well-meaning people try to give you advice.

Despite death and loss being a central event in all of our lives, at some point or another, (and more likely at multiple points), we contort our language and behavior to avoid using the words “death” and “died.” Unfortunately, our discomfort and avoidance actually contribute to the sense of isolation that grieving people experience, even when they are ensconced in a caring family or community. Think about it this way: If people around you can’t tolerate or think you can’t tolerate speaking of death and what you miss and how hard it was to go through the experience, then the walls stay up, connection is limited, a sense of alienation builds. The opportunity to bear witness to someone’s pain is lost.

The Power of Storytelling in a Socially Distanced World

Humans are wired for connection, and at times of tragedy and death, community and family support become more important than ever. Those relationships can provide a protective factor for our physical and emotional health, both in the near and long-term. Tragically, the current pandemic is disrupting our most basic human needs for comfort, touch, connection and ritual, depriving us of those balms at the very time when we most need them.

Lately, there have been news reports of depression symptoms rising among children, teens, adults, and seniors. Families, friends, and caregivers are struggling to find alternative ways to cope, heal, grieve, and support each other while adhering to social distancing guidelines.

So, what are some concrete things we can we do to better support each other at times of grief and loss? To help the people we care about to feel less alone, especially when we can’t physically see each other?

Sharing stories is an age-old healing ritual that can help us find meaning and connection along the many difficult contours of life. In Maya Angelou’s wise words, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” At a time when pain and fear are compounded by isolation and alienation, there is a distinct power in storytelling that can transcend time and unite us in something bigger than ourselves.

Sharing stories can take place over a phone call, Zoom, or an online support group, with another person bearing witness by listening. Cards, letters, texts, or emails offer more options for connection, if not physical hugs and holding a hand. Making a collage about the person who died can also be a creative way to collect and organize images and words that connect you to their memory – their absent presence. Drawing, painting, and other expressive arts are also great ways to channel and convey memories and emotion

Read the full article: https://thriveglobal.com/stories/its-time-we-became-a-more-grief-friendly-society/

There are plenty of myths about how children and teens deal with grief: that they don’t grieve, that they get over losses quickly, and that they should be shielded from the loss.

All children grieve, though they may react differently than adults, and each family member may grieve differently. Their responses vary based on their developmental level and life experiences.

A child or teen may mourn in bits and pieces—anger and/or sadness, with intermittent periods of appearing just fine. This can be confusing to adults, who may worry that the child isn’t mourning or is denying the event.

Under age four or five, a child may show little interest or ignore the death, perhaps treating it like an absence or like the person is asleep. It is seen as temporary or reversible. They may ask over and over when the person will return. Their feelings about the loss are usually expressed through play, using displacement (“that puppet/doll/puppy/kid is feeling scared.”) Changes in eating, sleeping, toileting patterns, as well as more moodiness and clinginess, are common.

Ages 5-8 tend to show an increased interest in death, with more questions and worries, but again, their feelings are usually expressed through play rather than through direct communication. They may feel guilt and engage in magical thinking that the death was punishment for their bad behavior or their anger at the person who died. Children of this age may still believe that death is reversible. They tend to complain more about physical symptoms, aches, fatigue, etc., which are often physical expressions of their grief.

Ages 9-10 and older usually have a more rational understanding of death and the fact that it is permanent. Grief may be expressed through difficulties with concentration and motivation as well as physical symptoms, irritability, difficulties with sleeping, etc. Some will act out in school or at home as they struggle with their grief and anger. The anger will often be directed at the surviving family members.

In addition to the possible reactions listed just above, teens may think they have to act grown-up and not cry. They tend to be more aware of the present and future losses brought about by the death than would a younger child. They may feel pressure to fill the void in the family left by the family member’s death. Their primary goal at this stage is to fit in with their peers, so they may not want to focus on what makes them different, eg. the death of their mother/father/sibling. They may distance from their family, moving toward friends in a more typical adolescent manner, despite it being a time when other family members may seek more closeness and turn inward. Sleeping, appetite, concentration, and motivation are all areas that can be affected.

A key factor in how a child adapts to loss is the surviving parent/caretaker’s availability and ability to be reliable and comforting to the child or teen.
Family members and friends may try to protect each other by not talking about the loss, but silence can be more haunting than words and keep the family apart emotionally at a time when they most need support.

Of course, personality style and coping skills before the loss are also big factors in an individual’s reaction over time. Feeling a sense of social support is extremely important to how the family fares. Families in which deaths are kept secret or who feel a sense of shame about the death tend to get less support, which makes the adjustment to their new reality that much harder.

William Worden’s Tasks of Mourning provide a helpful framework for understanding the grief process:

ACKNOWLEDGE the reality of the death

FEEL the feelings, experience the pain of grief

ADJUST to a world that no longer includes the physical presence of the loved person

RE-ESTABLISH the relationship to the loved person in your mental and emotional life.

 

Ashley Davis Bush’s five stage model for grief is another helpful guide to keep in mind. (Transcending Loss, Berkley Books, 1997, www.ashleydavisbush.com). Keep in mind that stages are not necessarily linear.

SHOCK: Accepting the reality of the death

DISORGANIZATION: Facing, experiencing and expressing all of the grief-related feelings

RECONSTRUCTION: Adjusting to a world without your loved one

SYNTHESIS: Establishing an ongoing relationship with your loss and with your loved one, recognizing that you are forever changed

TRANSCENDENCE: Making the loss meaningful

More thoughts about the grief process:

“Grief is all around us. Grief is normal. Grief is part of everyday. It is universal…It is healing and necessary to healing… It is natural, normal, very functional… The problem is, we all want to make it ‘better.’ … It’s not about fixing grief—because we can’t. We have to give it room.”

— Dottie Ward Wimmer (She Came to Live Out Loud by Myra MacPherson)

As we pass through life events and stages, our grief may resurface, presenting new opportunities to mourn.

It is helpful to anticipate grief “anniversary reactions” — events or ages, seasons or dates that serve as triggers of grief.  Other common triggers are birthdays, mother’s/father’s days, holidays, reaching the age of the parent’s death or diagnosis. Transition times, such as graduations, marriages, births, and the developmental stages of one’s own children can also spark waves of grief. Or it may be evocative smells, signs, or sounds that serve as triggers.

New losses often bring up old losses, but grief may also surface during a stable time, when a person can afford to mourn with less fear of abandonment and/or fear that they’ll fall apart.

There is no recipe or list that will “fix it,” but here are some things to consider:

Listen. Many, many people find it hard to listen because death evokes our own fears. Listening is an invaluable gift. It conveys your presence—that you are walking beside your loved one or friend on this difficult journey. Make yourself available to hear their stories, memories, and regrets.

A common mistake is to shut off discussion with a well-intentioned comment such as “It’s ok,” “Don’t cry,” or “Be strong.” Some people even say, “It’s time to get over it.” Don’t contribute to the notion that there is a “right” way to grieve.

Help kids feel safe:  Give appropriate, honest information; help out with making sure basic needs are met; provide caring support to facilitate the re-establishment of routines.

Expressive arts, bibliotherapy, peer support, and the use of rituals (see below) can also help with healing.

People feel pressure to get over their grief, both self-imposed and by others/society. A USA Today poll asked the length of the grief process. The answer: an average of two weeks! Do we ever finish grieving a loss? The intervals between the waves of grief lengthen over time, but the longing may not disappear. Ever.

It is important to debunk the myth that once the grief is “resolved,” that it will never come up again. Accept the setbacks as part of the progression. Think of honoring the grief and healing rather than fixing it or curing it. It is a lifelong process. The acute pain is not life long, but the impact of the loss is.

There is a wide range of normal reactions to loss. Other kinds of loss, such as loss due to divorce, moves, a loss of abilities due to illness or accident, etc., can also trigger some of these reactions. Below is a partial list.

• Affective—anger, irritability, anxiety, denial, panic, sudden tears, depression, numbness
• Cognitive—difficulty concentrating, disorganization, forgetfulness, difficulty making decisions, magical thinking, over-idealization, hallucinations
• Somatic: problems with eating, sleeping, physical symptoms, impaired immune system, fatigue
• Social: withdrawl or over-activity, strains on relationships, increased dependence, change in family roles

Rituals help give meaning to the loss. Here are some ideas, but there are infinite possibilities to make the ritual fit for your preferences and style. These can be done at any time.

• Write a story, poem, or journal about the loss
• Draw a picture
• Write a book of memories about the person for yourself or to share
• Ask someone who knew your loved one to tell you two stories about them, one funny, one serious.
• Write a letter to the person who died
• Make a memory box, with written memories or objects, open and close the box as you feel ready
• Make a collage about the person or the event
• Listen to music that reminds you of the person
• Make a quilt out of different clothes that belonged to the loved one
• Set up a home memory table or corner, with photos or meaningful objects
• Light a candle on the anniversary of the death or birthday
• Pick out a flower bouquet for the remembered person and place it where you can see it.
• Plant a bush or tree in their memory
• Visit the grave on meaningful days. Consider bringing something to read, either written by someone else or by you. Consider sharing important updates on your life. Consider bringing a rock or other natural object to leave behind.